Episode 1: What does it mean to be present?

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Welcome to the Present Dad podcast. I'm Brian. And I'm Ricky. And we're just normal dads talking about the ups and downs of fatherhood and the battle to be present while still providing. And on our top our podcast today, our topic is actually going to be looking at what it means to be present as a dad. Yeah. And this is a this is a thing, Ricky, that I think really hammers a lot of dads is there's this constant pressure. you'll see it all over social media to

Be providing for your family, but also like I want to be present with my kids. Right. Right. You know, and when we look long term, what really matters, kids don't necessarily spell being present T O Y S. They spell it T I E and and finding that time. So you're a younger dad, right? Yeah. You wanna kinda get into a background a little bit and what that looks like? Yeah, I have two littles, basically three and about to be a year. So definitely in the midst of the the busyness of

constant need. they're not very dependent yet, though my three year old thinks she's very dependent. but there's that that battle of trying to be present for them after work, help my wife because she stays home with both of them. And there's a lot of busyness going on constantly. And so that that feeling of wanting to be present but also being tired and doing all the other things is definitely something that is real for us in this current stage. And so

Hope hoping to be helpful through the podcast, but also just be honest about hey, this is where we're actually at. So sometimes it's not as much advice as like, Hey, I'm trying to figure out what what is the next step and doing it through good days and then bad days. Absolutely. And on myself, on my side, right, two kiddos. little Addy is nine and Ben is five. And they are every bit of wanting daddy's time right now, right? And in the midst of going to school and then coming

Coming back home after work, wanting to to really get into it with them and spend time with them. But also the pressures of, you know, the constantly coming emails or, you know, the the phone that keeps buzzing all night long with with the position that I'm in as a school principal. So yeah, and as you said, we don't we're not perfect. We don't have all of this figured out yet. But, you know, I think one of the big things out there today is community for dads, right? And and the ideas behind this podcast is that there's a whole group of dads out there that wanna be more present with their kids.

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And this is just one way for us to to make sure that community is being provided. So, you know, first question I got for you is what's what's one of those things that you've seen keep you from being present? Yeah, I think you know, background more background in me being working alongside you, being vice principal, but also being heavily wanting to be very present in church and in helping in that area with through ministry, through friends, through family.

There's just a lot of things that call for attention. And so I think that's one of the hardest parts of being present for my kids is and and and my wife in in just that role of being a husband and a father is that there's constantly things needing attention. And so it's figuring out how do I be present while also trying to prioritize what things I'm being present for. Because there's only so much time. There's only so much.

that we can do every single day. And so that's been one of the things that as my oldest Aurora has gotten older, I used to commute a long way. And when she was a baby, it was easier because she would get home and she didn't know any better. And so I just used any time that I had with her. And if she was up during the night, it was more time, right? Right. When she started getting that age where she was aware that I wasn't home, that's when that feeling of needing to be present became even more difficult because

Now she is going, well, where are you going? Why are you gone? Why? All those questions started to be a reality for me of okay, well, she's recognizing when I'm not here. So how am I fighting to be here when I am here? And not just be on my phone or not just be watching TV, but actually being present for my whole family. That's become one of those things that's a struggle. but also recognizing the things that pull me out of present and

the things that help me, the tools and resources that help me actually be present for those for those situations. Absolutely. Cause there's a difference between being in the room and being present. Right. You know, and that that's two different things. And that's I think it for for me it it boils down to intentionality. Right. Cause it's so easy to well let's sit down and watch a show that they like. Right. Right. You know, and like, you know, I don't mind Bluey. Like I'll I'll watch I'll watch a bluey or two. Bluey in our house. And and and we'll sit there and watching it like, we spent family time. Right.

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No, not really, because no one was present, right? We were all just zoned out and and tuned in. so yeah, I appreciate you you sharing that. So what are what are some kind of tips and tools that you found to to do that? Cause you've got multiple s pursuits going on. You guys just moved. Yep. Right. All that goes along with all that goes on with that. What's what's that look like? I think a lot of it goes to the one, being a team with my wife is huge. knowing that there's someone

not only my wife, but having friends and people around me that have similar worldview and similar just values to be able to look at me and recognize sometimes before I do, hey, like you're you're gassed. You you need some time, you need a break, you need because they're recognizing it in those moments where I'm not being present. And I think that's one of the hardest things is you don't you don't typically recognize in that moment that I'm not present here because you're just

in whatever space you're at. And so you don't recognize it until later. And that later could be, depending on how tired and and struggled you are, it could be months later. And so that's the hard part is sometimes we don't even recognize it in that moment. And so that's that's tip number one is have the people in your life and give those people the license to be able to actually say, Hey, you're not actually here right now. And so my wife and I both have that.

we'll go on dates and it's you know, a phone off date outside of the, you know, the the call from whoever's watching the kiddos. That's the only one we pick up and phones stay on the table. And so part of that is phones on the table, it's up so you can see if it's a notification that's needed or not. Yep. that's how we we be present. Another one is just being willing to put your phone on a mode that doesn't buzz all the time or just put it down or put it somewhere else and

the those little things become something that is it's so interesting because for so long humans haven't had this constant need of access right and notifications. And so s silly but like an honest thing a conversation my wife and I we were on vacation this last week and we talked about I got a tattoo last week and so because of that I haven't been wearing my Apple Watch. Sure. Because my tattoo wanted to heal and it was rubbing and it was irritating me. Well

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Here we are two and my wife's broke two weeks ago. Like hers just all of a sudden just didn't turn back on. So you're both two weeks into this. No Apple watch. No Apple Watch. And I talked to her this week and I said, I think I want to get a real watch again. Cause I used to have a ton of watches. I love to wear watches. I said, I don't want I don't think I want a smartwatch anymore. I just like I I have access to my phone. Anything, the only time I've ever really needed is work and I'm usually pretty accessible at work.

And the problem is I come home and I keep wearing it and then I'm accessible for work while I'm supposed to be present at home. You bet. And so that was one of those conversations that came out of something silly. And she was like, I don't think I want a watch either. I think and now I looked at an Amazon cart and there's a bunch of other watches that she wants. Of course. So that's but that's one of those things that is just evaluating what are the things that keep me from being present is gonna be the most useful first step. And then there's all sorts of other resources that we've used, but that's step number one.

For for our household our family. Absolutely. Well, and a couple of things I'm hearing you you say here is one communication level, it sounds like is high between you and those that help help you stay accountable. Right. And and I we have a a similar situation in our house where both Aaron and I, if one of us is falling short in that area, we have specific ways we've set up ahead of time to like call each other out, right? So that it's not a angry, are you here right now? Like that that's not gonna

If I correct Aaron that way, it's not going well. Right. You know, it's not like, you'll be presently in a fight. Correct. Correct. and then the other thing that I I hear is intentional calendar planning. Right. I I hear you talking about date nights and actually talking about what you're doing on the date night. Not that I think we've all had the conversation with wives, what do you want to eat tonight? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Right. And then you don't actually have a chance to be present. And the third thing that I really heard you say there was a lot of times that lack of presence it starts to develop. It's not an explosive moment.

No. It's like a slow drip that like just creeps and creeps and creeps. And then I compare that to really like when you get into a a pool that's the water's a little cool, like your body normalizes to it, right? Like so you go up to your knees and like, now I'm okay. And then I go up to a waist, now I'm okay, and and now I'll jump in. And I think I think that lack of presence can have that same effect as it can just be I'm a little less present and then I normalize to it and then a little less and I and before you know it, you're gasping for air, right? It and you're and you're underwater.

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and that Apple Watch thing, that's super cool as I'm as I'm wearing my thanks for the don't have mine. Thanks for the accountability. There we go. All right. So I think I think there's also part that there's accountability, but there's also the the need and willingness to not just evaluate where you're at, but want and desire something different. Right. And so yes, I went through this last phase and this last year we had our our second daughter was born, Ella.

And born last August. And then on top of that, I was doing another master's degree. Yep. And so doing that online while also only in my second year in the position I'm currently in. And so it was go, go, go. But there's also an aspect of there has to be discipline in the desire to actually do it. Yeah. Because one being present is very difficult. But if you want to do that.

That's step one is like recognizing that I need to be able to do that and actually put the effort and time in. So there's the accountability piece, there's the tools, there's the different tricks. But then there's just the conversations that need to be had with those people. And so not only the the conversations of like, hey, hold me accountable, but the conversations of I can't today. And so like that's just as important as like being willing to go, hey, I need to change plans or I need to change or adjust the calendar. and not just keep doing that.

But being willing to be honest about this week was too much, you know, or today was really, really tough. I need an extra 10, 20 minutes to go work out, to go absolutely and then take that time. But knowing I'm using that extra time not as an excuse, but to get myself to the point where I can now be present. And that's one of those things that if you aren't doing those things, it

That drip and that drowning feeling continues instead of going, okay, I'm gonna take an extra 20 minutes. I'm gonna communicate why I'm taking the 20 minutes because that's a part of having a spouse as well, right? Like, yep. It's not I'm just hiding in the bathroom on my iPad. And you you see that in SIPCOMs and you see that of like, well, why are you just always hiding? And well, there's no communication there. If I need 20 minutes, and then after that 20 minutes, I know I'm back on. Yep. Instead of

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Well, I'm gonna hide and now it's gonna just continue. And that person feels like I don't want to be around them, or my kids feel like I don't want to be around them, instead of no, I I do, I just need time, I need a moment, I need to get myself right so that I can be actually present for what's happening. Yeah, and and the language I like to use on that is finding margin, right? And and there's different, there's different types of tired, and we'll get into this in a future podcast. But you know, you can be physically tired, you can be emotionally tired, you can be mentally tired, you can be spiritually tired.

And the way we recharge and all those is different. Right. So you can come home at the end of a day and you're like, I'm emotionally spent. Right. Well, being around my kids builds that up in me. So guess what? The first thing I want to do is run to my kids. Right. Right. Or there's other times where it's like, man, I am physically tired. I don't want to be the climbing jungle gym when I walk through the door. So you know what? I'm going to go ro go walk down to the mailbox for a second and and check the mail and just.

Right, you and and and take 10, 15, 20 minutes. Right. But part of that also is I've set up that communication with Aaron at home and be like, hey, I I need I need to go lay down for 20 minutes because I'm just physically exhausted. And then y'all have me. Right. And not just with Aaron, but with the kids too. And it's really a language that we've started in our home of helping identify, okay, what kind of tired are we? So what kind of recharge do we need? And that helps with the being present because then the kids aren't like whining at me because I need a nap.

A lot of times it'll be Addie be like, Well, can I go lay down with you? Absolutely. Right. You know, and and we get to fill both those. And I think that I obviously like the the goal of this podcast is is for dads, but understanding like dads that are also husbands, yep, recognizing that in your wife as well. Hundred percent. And knowing like, okay, I part of that we're talking about being present and then it we'll go into more episodes, obviously, and providing those things. But that's a part of it is recognizing for my wife. I I'm good right now.

I can be present. Yep. But I can tell she's struggling. Hey, I'm good. That's part of that balance of communication of, hey, I need 20 minutes today. Yep. But tomorrow I'm really good and I'm on and the day was fun and easy. And I'm coming home on like a work high and everything went well. And I'm excited to see my family. And I get home because my wife stays home with our two girls and just see it on her like today was a day. And we're we just we're doing potty training and all that fun stuff. And she was just like,

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They're your kids tonight kind of thing. And I'm like, hey, I got them. Go to the gym. Go do what you need to do so that she can recharge. Because one that helps her, it helps our marriage, it helps her be a better mom, me be a better dad, and our family just be better and more connected together. Absolutely. And so I think that's another important part is presence in a family is individually based. Like I have to be present for my family, but it's also going to be impacted by everybody working together towards that, even the littles, like them understanding.

And having that conversation and my wife having that conversation when my daughter's like, Well, why does dad have to leave? Well, because he's going to provide for our family. And her understanding, it's not a desire to not be present at home every day. I would love if, you know, I got paid a bunch of money and I got to stay home with my family and that was all we did. That'd be great. Absolutely. But her actually understanding the difference of me not being physically present in this moment is because we're trying to I'm trying to provide for our family. Yeah. But

Then not allowing that to be I'm never present when I'm home because I'm exhausted in any of those senses. Right. And I think that builds on it too, because as you're more present, you can identify when your wife's having one of those days. Right. Like if you're not present, you're like, man, what's wrong with her? Right. Where if you are present, it's like, I know exactly what's wrong. She's she's exhausted. I'm gonna take over. and we've had enough communication going back and forth that we here here's here's the reality of it is.

We don't both have to be at tip top shape every single day. Right. But it's nice if one of us is. Right. Like, you know, kind of thing. And then and I and I think a a point of this of what you're saying here and how you're communicating with your kids is being present is not about balance. Right. There's not enough time in the day to balance how many hours I need to spend at my job, how many hours I need to spend with my wife, how many hours I need to spend with my kids together and individually. Right. That doesn't count all the other things, church, other family members, friends, all this kind of stuff. Yeah.

What it's really about is priorities. Right. And it's it's priorities over balance. But I think sometimes we'll think it's gotta be this balance idea. And there is no such thing as balance. It's all about prioritizing correctly. And it sounds like you and your wife are really explaining that to the kids, right? Like, yeah, that's like that's gone because he well, one, he's helping other kids, right? Which is one of the things that the Lord's laid on your life to do. And in this house, a priority.

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Is number one priority is honoring God and glorifying Him. So we're gonna do this, right? Right. Yeah. And and that's a huge part is explaining it to And and one of the reasons I think that matters is them understanding like physically why you're not physically present for whatever reason matters. And so for instance, year years ago, I don't remember what book it was. I was reading a book that was talking about going on mission and the importance of that and explaining to

your kids. The dad was talking about explaining to his kids like he was going to miss his first ever first ever time missing one of his son's soccer games. And the son was like, You're not gonna be at my game. Like why? Right. And this has been a big thing that this this dad was feeling called to go on this mission, this like short-term mission trip with his church and to go and help. And he was a doctor and he was gonna be able to help in this village and things like that. And so

Because of that, he started having the conversation differently with his son of, hey, it's not that I want to miss your soccer game. It's not that I don't want to be physically present in this moment. It's that I I want you to understand. Like I feel that the Lord is calling me for this short time to be for a week, to be gone and to go help. And so that that also helps your kids understand there's not a just a desire to not be near you. And that's one of the difficulties that.

Especially with little kids like that we have that are you know, like younger, they're so self-centered at times. It's like, what do you mean you don't want to be with me? I'm the center of the world. And so explaining that to them, one helps them down the road, but two also starts to set the the expectation of one, when what the accountability part for me is when I'm here, I have to be here. Yes. But when I'm gone, understand that it's not that I desire to be gone from you, it's that there is something that does take priority. Absolutely. Because balance wise, I would

I spend a lot more time here Monday through Friday than I do with my family because of we get home and then it's gym and then it's you know, over summer it's VBS and it's church and it's worship and it's this and that. And those are all great things. And so if we try and act like we have to balance all of them, well, one of the great things has to go away instead of in seasons and in times, there's prioritizing, well, what actually gets the time today or this week? And so it's the same with

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date night with your wife, like there's never a good season to carve out however much time, however much money, however much because if you're thinking about like, that's taking out of the bank account. that's taking now we have to pay a babysitter. Now we have to do this. Like the if if your budget is tight, that's going to be something you go, well that could we can just push off. Right. And then we don't have to add it to the balance. Well that's saying you don't prioritize it. Right. And so the same with our kids in the timeframe or the time that we spend with them in whatever timeframe you have is well

Maybe bedtime is ten minutes later today. So I can get ten more minutes with them, but they know it's ten more minutes because of this, not we're just gonna be flipping and loose on the bedtime because we don't so those little things I think matter and why like we joke. But even with our ten month old, we explain things because we know our three three year old is listening. All the time. Right. And and it's not just the it's so much more than the words, it's what we're exampling. Right. Right. You know, and and so like I'll give you an example of a way that we're capturing more time in our home is so

Aaron and I both started a a health journey about a year ago. I was about 40 pounds heavier, right? You know, and it's been really good, but we're going to the gym. Well, our gym's 20 minutes away from our house. And by the time you drive 20 minutes, right, and then spend an hour, hour and a half there, and then drive 20 minutes home, like, this is this is two hours a day. Now, is my health important? Yes, because I can't actually be present if I'm not here. Right. Right. You know, it's like we need to get this under control. And one of the things that we did was we've we saved and we saved and we saved and and we're putting a little home gym in. Mm-hmm.

Because it gets us 40 minutes back a day of travel time. Right. And guess what our kids are excited about? Can we go out there and work out with you? Absolutely. Right. And now I'm gonna have to make sure Ben's not like throwing weights, you know, through the wall and stuff. You know, and all or through the through the car window, but but it's it's what are those what are those little times where you can capture a few minutes, right? And for us, one of the big thing has been routines. Right. So for example

my daughter, she is she is physical touch, she is cuddler, like she feels it if if we haven't had quality time together. And she knows that Saturday night is her night where dad climbs up on top of the bunk bed and gives her extra cuddle times outside of the cuddle times we have beforehand, but like it's Saturday. Can I get my extra extra cuddles? Yes, you can, right? And she looks forward to that. And it doesn't mean I'm ignoring her the rest of the week.

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But it's we've we've set up this routine, we've set up this ritual. recently took up golf and so I got my little boy golfing as well. And he loves it. And his his thing is when Addy goes to gymnastics with mom, me and him have our little golf with we call it a bromance or our dude our dude date is as he calls it. And we're just out there on the just drive down to the little driving range and he hits a few balls and we do a bunch of putting and he just and he just loves it. And right, you know, it's one of those things where, man, how do you know if it's being effective?

after the second time we went, we we get in the car and and Ben goes, Dad, will you golf with me forever? Yes, son. Yes, 100% we can do this, right? And it's it's those rituals and those routines that we've we've established over time and meeting the kids where they feel present. Right. Like for me, ideally, climbing up into the top of the bunk bed made for the nine year old. I don't ex I'm a big dude. I'm six three.

two thirty. I don't exactly fit up there well climbing up the ladder and going down the slide. But that's where she needs to be met to feel present, right? Right. Now Ben with golf, I'm all in. So that's where he wants to be to be present. We're we're good forever. But sometimes it's not making the kids do what we want to do. It's yeah meeting them where they want to be. Yeah. I think we just came back from vacation, California. So six hour drive with littles, you know, little two littles, a dog, another car falling behind us. And so we

We got through there and back with no screen time for even the toddler. Wow, well done. you know, my wife sat in the back, she was getting dri driven crazy a little bit. 'cause the toddler asks every single question ever, right? Rory's just constantly, what about this? What about this? What about this? And when we got there, we were just sitting talking and I just kind of joking said it jokingly, but I was like, our biggest complaint is our daughter wanted to talk to us for six hours. And my wife was like, Well, that was

like mean to say 'cause like she was frustrated. Yeah. I just want to get out of this car. and it wasn't meant to be. And then as we talked about it more, it was like, no, that that's like the perspective we have to have is we've got six hours of time. Perspective. And, you know, we were playing music. They were playing I mean she taught my daughter I spy. Erica taught my daughter I spy. Love it. So they're playing I spy forever. And it's just one of those that those those things of being present in that moment was something that

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I'm just driving, but I'm listening the whole time and I'm chiming in and I'm doing those things. And it would have been really easy to, you know, put headphones, you know, headphone in and make a work call or do this and that. And instead it was like, no, I'm just gonna be with my family because the six hours we're trapped. And like car time is huge for being present. Like, yes, you have to drive, you have to be safe. But there's it's just finding whatever moments you can to make sure that you're focused on the the family that the Lord's blessed you with. And and that's also with

All the other things that you do, whether it's your job or your friends, and I think that's the the hardest part is your your value at your job so often is linked to your presentness, right? If you're present and you're producing at your job, you're rewarded in some way, or you have to do that to get the paycheck. Yes. It's easy to wash that responsibility away in your family because there's no paycheck. Absolutely. Like there's no actual reward handed to you.

Outside of the you know, the father's day, you're the greatest dad mug or something like that. Right. Like that. But there's a long term reward. There's an eternal reward that goes with it. Absolutely. And that's what's hard is we have to keep that at the at the forefront so that we can continue to be present daily. And if you don't, then you fall into that slowly, you know, going through. And then all of a sudden it's, you know, 18, 20 years down the road, and your kids are off and you're man, I wish we would have put in more time. Wish we would have had more memories. I wish we would have.

And you can't get that stuff back. Right. And so that's the the perspective that we're trying to go in with. Okay. Six hours trapped in the car on Sunday and six hours trapped in the car on Wednesday. Yep. Is well, we're either trapped with them or they're trapped with us. And they're gonna be trapped with us and we're gonna have fun. Yep. And yeah, they still might annoy you. And yeah, we might need breaks. We might need to rotate, but we're gonna do everything we can to make sure that we're using that time that the Lord has blessed us with to the best of our ability. And and the reality of that is one day you're gonna go back and and miss that. Yeah. Yeah.

Right, you know, kind of thing. And it's I think one of the things is is changing the paradigm on what the reward is because yeah, there is that and we live in a culture of instant gratification, right? Like what can I post on social media and how many likes can I get and and be noticed. And but on the on the flip side, that long term reward, you know, one of the things out there we'll talk about you only get eighteen summers with them. Right. Right. And one of Aaron and I's goals is not if we do it right. Right. Right. If if if we do this parenting thing correct, we don't just get eighteen summers.

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We continue getting summers, then summers with the grandkids and and so on and so forth. And and so much of that boils down to being present while we're still providing. And we'll talk about the finance stuff in our next episode. So Ricky, appreciate the time. Yeah, of course. And we'll see y'all in the next Present Dad podcast. Bye y'all.